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*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy