I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
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My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
I’m not lazy
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?