I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
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The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.