Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
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y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
My dad is at it again
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.