My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
You Might Also Like
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
? 💀
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
#Caturday
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”