The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
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I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
Gemma Correll
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.