Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
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Galentineās Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
Iām never asking a man to buy me tampons again
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, thereās a 100% chance weāre about to be disconnected.
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
Ghost costume š
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
āEnter passcode to use Touch IDā – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: āTime to go out!ā
Brain: āWait, why? Weāre not doing anything the least bit strenuous!ā
Lower Back: āDunno, we just gottaā
*cries hunchbackedly
Welcome to your 40s: hereās ten pounds.
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
āIām gonna sleep in tomorrow.ā
Every child ever: No youāre not.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares Iām getting
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: āAll right, hereās your motherā
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]