Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
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Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.