*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
You Might Also Like
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
*cough*
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.