did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
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I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
Can’t. Being lazy.
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
When life hands you women, make women laid.
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy