Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
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Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE