I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
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serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial