[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
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My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
wut hotdog?
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.