If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
h
a
a
a
t
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.