Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
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Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.