My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
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that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
There are usually two types of merchants.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?