a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
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On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
*limbos away from your hug*
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
how to exercise your calf muscles
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?