If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
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My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
Always…
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.