I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
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Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
Interior design 👌
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?