Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
You Might Also Like
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
The Book. The Movie.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
Every time my phone rings
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer