went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
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If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
somebody come look at this
i will not be silenced
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.