Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
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airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left