Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
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Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.