Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
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I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything