Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
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After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
When the stylist spins you back around
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic