Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
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If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.