I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
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My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
just leave it at the foot of the bed
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP