Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
You Might Also Like
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.