My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
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As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐