Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
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They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
My beach vacation Google searches
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
me: my friends:
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot