Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
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Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
Bruh PLEASE
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no