This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
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I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
Merry Christmas
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.