Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
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I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
This headline is a thing of beauty
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”