*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
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If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.