Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
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When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Bike is short for Bichael.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be