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16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.