The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
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“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar