Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
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A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
🤣🤣
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping