Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
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Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
Passwords are more important than ever.
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
shit just got real
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”