if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
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Brilliant!
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
cat vs inanimate object
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*