CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
You Might Also Like
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet