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Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts