doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
You Might Also Like
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
Scream sneezers need love too.