Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
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Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
These work great until they don’t.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.