“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
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I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Always a housemaid, never a house.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
😅🤣😂
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.