When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
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My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
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-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
somebody come look at this
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.