Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
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[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
incredible text to wake up to
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
#MeanwhileinCanada
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.