Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
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Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*