[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
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Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
That’s fair
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home