Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
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“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200